A few thoughts: As I relentlessly stumble toward my deepest truth, struggling to listen deeply to the still, solemn voice that whispers in the depths of my soul, I find that some days I live it well and rest in the blessing of the meditation bell, while other days I stumble and flee and resist the invitation to do that which would set me free.
A poem: On these days, in these moments, I am reminded of Francis Thompson's haunting poem, The Hound of Heaven, which begins:
I fled Him, down the nights and down the days;
I fled Him, down the arches of the years;
I fled Him, down the labyrinthine ways
Of my own mind; and in the mist of tears
I hid from Him, and under running laughter.
Up vistaed hopes I sped;
And shot, precipitated,
Adown Titanic glooms of chasmèd fears,
From those strong Feet that followed, followed after.
But with unhurrying chase,
And unperturbèd pace,
Deliberate speed, majestic instancy,
They beat-and a Voice beat
More instant than the Feet-
'All things betray thee, who betrayest Me.'
A story: When I was a boy, I loved autumn days when the leaves would fall and float gently down as I ran to catch as many as I could before they touched the ground. I loved to gather the fallen leaves in piles upon piles and jump into their pillowy embrace with abandon. I felt profoundly alive and free. Some days I would simply lie there in the leaves and stare up at the immensity of the sky, surrounded by the naked beauty of the trees, and know somehow that I was at peace, in a sacred place. I would somehow sense that we "inter-be," as Thich Nhat Hanh would say. Maybe today I would call it grace or gift or just a lovely memory. Despite our family's woes, I would say now that I came to know then that love persists, that something bigger than me relentlessly wants me to be free. This memory stays with me. It somehow comforts me. It reminds me of Gandhi's relentless faith in the power of love and grace. As he says,
When I despair, I remember that all through history the ways of truth and love have always won. There have been tyrants, and murderers, and for a time they can seem invincible, but in the end they always fall. Think of it--always.
A scripture: I also remember riding in a car with my family when I was a boy, maybe eleven or twelve. My parents were arguing relentlessly as they often did about finances. I found myself in my mind's eye resting in the leaves, feeling relentlessly free; and then I found myself reminding my parents of the sacred words that had been read earlier that day at the church service we had attended:
Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life. - Matthew 6:25
As I grow older, I find that both the grace and comfort of the leaves and the trees, as well as my parents' worry about finances and life's struggles, both relentlessly pursue me down the nights and down the days. When I find myself falling prey to fear or sadness, despair or worry, I call to mind Gandhi's truth, and love's relentless pursuit. I look deeply to see, with Thich Nhat Hanh, that we inter-be. We are connected. We are sisters and brothers. Thus, harm to you results in harm to me, harm to the leaves and trees results in harm to us moving together toward that which would set us free. I sit still, breathe in, breathe out, and relentlessly recite the mantra that love, that still small voice within, speaks to me: "do not worry, do not be afraid, love is relentless, it is for love you are made."
A few questions: How will you relentlessly pursue love today? How will you allow yourself to be relentlessly pursued by love? What is relentless in your life, inviting you to move through fear to deeper truth and freedom?
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